Lifetime Backwards
by hiatus-desu
Summary: Oneshot in which Ichigo and Ryou live with their consequences, after a tragic demise of another.


A/N: Past RetRyou, IchiRyou, mild sexual content and profanity.

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Her light-blue eyes met his own for a moment, a quick, worrying glance as her breathing became shallow. "R-Ryou-san ..."

The young, blonde-haired man crouched next to her, frightened for the first time in what felt like years. He was scared of where to put his hands, of what could possibly make the pain worse. He tried to ignore the people gathering behind him, the blasting horns of the cars, stopping wide-eyed at the commotion. A few started to shout to Ryou, to the red-haired girl jabbering into a mobile phone not too far away. Ryou could not take in their words. All he had the power to do was to hold her gaze helplessly, like a web holding a fly.

Ryou gave a gasp as a cold hand touched his. Retasu folded her small, delicate fingers around his desperately, searching in Ryou's eyes for ... comfort? A form of guilt? Who truly knew?

Finally finding his voice amongst the tangle of fear, Ryou spoke hoarsely into the winter air. "Don't ... worry."

A gentle squeeze of Ryou's fingers. A sigh barely audible to his ears.

The last of Retasu's life slipped away, and in more ways than one. Ryou knelt by her side; and he bit his lip, stifling his tears.

-

"Ryou. Order to table eleven, please?"

Ryou mechanically took hold of the tray, obeying Keiichiro's gentle-toned but firm request. Two months. Two months since that happened.

"You need to talk to someone about this, Ryou."

Ryou nodded mechanically, taking hold of the teacup, contemplating whether to obey Keiichiro's gentle-toned but firm statement. Two months, for God's sake.

"I'm serious," came a ringing, urgent tone. Ryou looked up in delayed bewilderment as Keiichiro's face swam into view. The same desperation. The same folding of the fingers as Keiichiro's hand found Ryou's. "Please ... get all this emotion out. You haven't even cried ... even at her funeral, Ryou. And I know you miss her ... I do too. I know you feel at fault."

"Ichigo! You've been cleaning that same spot for twenty minutes!"

Ichigo looked up blankly, the front of her red uniform sodden with soapy water. Indeed, she had been listlessly dipping the discoloured sponge into the water-bucket and splashing it onto the same tile. The same uneven tile, that always seemed to be her downfall - physically - when carrying plates. Two months.

"Ichigo, it's not healthy to suffer in silence like this."

Ichigo straightened up, with a slight inclination of the head. She contemplated Minto's statement, which hung in the air like the fumes from candles. Speaking to someone ... a potential light? Or could continuing in silence completely engulf her in the smoky disassociation she'd clouded herself with?

Minto looked into Ichigo's eyes, deeply, for the first time. Ichigo felt a painful pang in her chest as the unspoilt skin of Minto's hand clasped her own, and gazed up to see Minto's dark brown eyes. "I miss her too, Ichigo. So does Ryou, so do all of us. Please ... this isn't making it any better."

-

"Welcome, Shirogane. Please, take a seat on the couch."

Ryou absent-mindedly brushed the offered place free of invisible dust before sitting down. His hands lay entwined together in his lap, as he tried to avoid the calm woman's glass-green eyes.

"I assume you know why you're here. Keiichiro is a close friend of mine; I am aware of the situation in which you find yourself in. I am a bereavement counsellor."

Ryou clenched his jaw to stop a sarcastic reply from slipping out of the pale flesh of his lips, and simply nodded._ Of course I fucking know why I'm here ... and this wasn't Keiichiro's place to fucking intervene, either._

The woman in the pressed white shirt leant back slightly, her short black hair falling across her eyes.

"Tell me, Shirogane. What was Retasu like, as a girlfriend?"

Ryou's eyes absently darted to the woman's necklace, the beads glinting almost knowingly. He focussed on them, wondering what Retasu would say about the jewellery. _Oh no, Ryou-san, I couldn't wear it!_

He allowed a smile to pass his lips, and caused the green-haired Mew to blush profusely. "Okay, Retasu ... if you could have a necklace, which one would it be?"

Retasu gazed at the window display of the innocently twinkling jewels, her eyes lit up at the pure sight of them. "Well ... I like ... that one." she said shyly, pointing at a simple, fine white-gold chain nearest to them.

That same day, after he'd walked Retasu home and kissed her in the moonlight, he'd bought the chain - which also turned out to be inexpensive - and had giftwrapped it for her birthday. Only Retasu never saw her fifteenth birthday.

It was buried with her. _I'm so ... so stupid._

"Shirogane?"

Ryou licked his lips, hoping it would fuel his voice into working. "Where ... where do I start ...?"

The woman reached slowly for a small pad on the table, and flipped carelessly onto a fresh page. Ryou watched a solitary sheet of paper float out from the book; watching it tumble to the floor in one slow, gentle motion. _Just like she did_.

"Tell me how she looked."

Ryou opened his lips, floundering for words. How did Retasu look, exactly? She'd changed a considerable amount in the time they spent together ...

"She wore her hair in two braids ... and her glasses. Always, always her glasses."

The counsellor wordlessly nodded, probing for yet more information.

Ryou frowned, trying to concentrate, to dig through the memories he'd hoped to forget. Their first night together. He remembered the candles he'd lit, and how taken she was with watching the flame dance upon the tiny wick. How the light had fallen upon her face, her hair as she closed her eyes. How the green fabric slipped from her back, her shoulders, her chest. But ... how she'd worriedly bit her lip. How he comforted her. And how she'd let him.

"Her ... her figure ..." Ryou's speech suddenly faltered, the sound dying in his throat identical to the candlelight on that night.

The counsellor's pen scratched on the surface of the pad. "Did you love her?"

He had been very gentle with her that night. She let out a slight gasp of discomfort as she allowed him; he'd held her close and whispered his concern. _Are you alright? Did I hurt you?_

The memory of Retasu and the remembering Ryou simultaneously shook their heads.

"I ... don't think I loved her as much as I loved ... another."

A well-kept secret. All secrets will be discovered. Understandably, the secret of Ichigo did not cloud Ryou's mind that night, as he listened to her slight gasps, felt her nails awkwardly dig into his back ... her light-blue eyes had met his own, holding the gaze as her breathing became shallow and the fingers gripped tighter. "R-Ryou-san ..."

"Another, Shirogane?"

"Ichigo. Ichigo Momomiya." Ryou spoke, the words catching his throat like a knife ripping through material. This secret. This secret killed her. "I ... I shouldn't have done it."

"What shouldn't you have done, Shirogane?"

Ryou felt the familiar hot tears well up in his eyes, and gripped the sides of his chair hoping that they wouldn't spill over. "I shouldn't have taken Retasu's virginity. She should have preserved it for one who truly loved her."

"Did she love you, Shirogane?"

Ryou's mind went what seemed a lifetime backwards; to the night where they'd stood outside in the snow. Retasu had turned towards him, her hands around his waist and her lips brushing his shoulder. To the night of candlelight and awkward fumbling. To the night where a clumsy kiss proved fatal. Was she in love?

"She said so." he finally replied.

"What else did you want for her?"

Ryou thought of the carefree discussions they'd held in the park. Holding ice-creams in one hand, and the free hand firmly clasped with the other partner's, she'd told him how she wanted to become a mother. How she wanted to sew a cottage sampler and frame it, and hang it above her bed. How she wanted to be a bridesmaid at a wedding, and maybe even a bride. How she'd whispered to him, lying close to his body, that she wished the night could last forever. How she wished she could just stay. Ambitions, or dreams? In any case, they had the power to make her life happy and fulfilled. He wanted those for her, right?

"I wanted her ... not to worry."

-

"Ah. Ichigo Momomiya. Hi there." came a friendly voice from the doorway. Ichigo glanced up with a polite smile, and hurried after the man as he invited her into the room. He shut the door with a snap.

"Now, Minto Aizawa has given me a short briefing on your situation."

Ichigo felt a slight annoyance at the blue-haired Mew. _Minto, you idiot. This isn't anything to do with you!_

"Now, tell me about Retasu ... what was she like as your friend, as your co-worker?"

Ichigo took a deep breath, and forced the words jerkily from her throat. "She was shy, yet ... yet she cared so much about those around her. She always forgave ... I often wonder whether she'd forgive me, if she does forgive me. She never seemed like Ryou's type ... looking back, maybe she was too good for him ..."

The man's brow furrowed. "Ryou?"

"R-Ryou Shirogane ..." Ichigo trailed off, as a ghostly memory of Retasu kissing Ryou in the snowy, dark depths of a Thursday night, in front of the cafe played like a surreal dream. Jealousy can often ravage a teenage heart. Ichigo would watch a blushing Retasu enviously, as her relationship with Masaya broke down.

"We ... we never planned to do anything."

The man's eyes prompted Ichigo to continue. She tried to avoid the hazel kaleidoscopes of false compassion as she went into further detail, each phrase hitting home like a slap to the face.

"It was seven months into their relationship ... we'd walked Retasu home after a day's work, the sky still light, nobody could tell it was evening, you know ..." Ichigo coughed out a nervous chuckle, and immediately felt disgusted with herself.

"Go on." said the man softly.

"After that, we walked under the bridge leading to my home ... Ryou had stopped, he began to tell me how it never felt right with Retasu ... how he'd ... how he'd slept with her, how guilty he'd felt ..." Ichigo's next breath shook, and became a hacking sob as a few tears fell freely, "... and I tried my best to comfort him, he held me close ... and we started to kiss."

The man's head inclined slightly, a hand adjusting the frames of wire-rimmed glasses.

"Then ... the running footsteps ... a scream ... a screech of tyres ..." Ichigo's sobs became heavier, her chest heaving. She heard the man move slightly in his chair, and a box of tissues nudged her hand as a way of comfort.

"What happened after Retasu was knocked over, Ichigo?" the man asked slowly.

"The ... the guy who drove the car immediately got out and dashed to Retasu. I screamed at him not to touch her, I phoned for an ambulance. She must have been so scared ... I wanted her ... to be saved. Ryou had become her life."

Ryou stood shakily, his arms a weak support for getting him out of the chair. The counsellor effortlessly raised from her seat, placing her refill pad on the small ornate table beside her. "Thank you for coming today, Shirogane. Same time, next week?"

Ryou gave a listless nod as he stumbled from the building, beads of sweat trickling down from his hairline. He noticed Keiichiro standing by the red sports car glinting in the autumn sunlight, with a look of concern on his angled features. He extended his arms in a brotherly embrace, and Ryou stepped into them. He cried, and he cried.

-

Both Ryou and Ichigo returned to Cafe Mew Mew the following week, under the watchful eyes of Minto and Keiichiro. Minto idly wondered if Zakuro could have been of help to Ichigo or Ryou; but realised with a sinking feeling that as soon the aliens returned home, Zakuro of course had gone back to her regular job, and had little intention of returning. There were no contact details left behind, as she was always a traveller. She wondered if Zakuro even knew of Retasu's death.

Keiichiro approached Ryou and Ichigo in the kitchens, as Ichigo's gaze was lost in the endless turning of the wooden spoon beating the batter. Round, round, round, round. The familiar sounds of wood on glass, of the creamy cake-mix folding like loose fabric. Ryou was absent-mindedly stirring tea in a pot; observing the tornado of tea-leaves collecting at the bottom. A picture that could surely pass off as modern art if one were to take a photograph, he thought.

"Ichigo-san. Ryou."

Both teenagers stirred, Ichigo flinching at the sudden disturbance.

Keiichiro gave a reassuring smile at the two. "We - Minto, Purin and I - are behind you and are always available to talk, no matter where we may be. Please remember that."

Minto joined them in the kitchens, twisting the hem of her skirt in an uncharacteristically nervous manner. Her voice, however, still held that same firm tone. "We have had a great loss too. I feel we all need to talk ... not only to keep her memory alive, but so we can move on with our own lives."

Ryou and Ichigo bowed their heads in silent unison, as the faraway chirrup of an unknown bird streamed in through the open kitchen window. All four hung onto the sound, the only sound breaking this silence.

A sigh of fatigue escaped Ryou's lips as he leant back into the covers, and he closed his eyes tightly in the hope it would carry him to sleep. Sure enough, the familiar feeling of relaxation washed over him, and he dreamt vividly. He awoke in the morning, his heart pounding, and the sunlight sprawled across the crevices and creases on his bedclothes.

A familiar face had swam through the darkness, and appeared to him with a comforting smile upon her features. There were slight tears in her eyes, though an instinct led Ryou to believe they were tears of happiness.

"Why ... why are you smiling? After what I did?" came Ryou's echoing whisper.

"You ... truly cared about me." Retasu's ghostly form replied. The voice was slightly distorted, her appearance was blurred like that of a watercolour painting - but it was Retasu. The soul of Retasu was still in this form. Her face suddenly drifted into a more serious expression, and Ryou wished he could reach out and touch her cheeks.

"I cannot control what you do now, Ryou ... but please, remember me."

Hot tears spilled from Ryou's eyes, and he struggled to reach out to her. "I will, Retasu, I promise ... I will ..."

_"Please ... remember me."_

_

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A/N: Okay, you know all the spoilers now. I chose RetRyou due to the canon love triangle of RetasuXRyouXIchigo. I apologise for any of Ryou's OOCness, but this is truly my first time at writing a fiction of this nature. This was inspired by nanaseven's A Sensible Perception of Reality. Constructive criticism is greatly welcomed. Thank you.


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